Im caught somewhere between wasting time and killing dreams ...
Current Mood: 
calm
calmLeave a comment
[an artistic counter attack]
because pretty girls die young ...
03 May 2009 @ 04:21 pm
Im so FRIGGIN excited to own my own business!!!
My business partner got me a present, what do you think?
My business partner got me a present, what do you think?
Its a PVC corset ... and, granted, I look horrible in it, I was still thrilled to receive it ...
I also got 2 pairs of stilettos from Frederick's of Hollywood!!!
Current Mood: 
accomplished
accomplished01 May 2009 @ 06:04 pm
So, yeah ... Firstly, Im totally a Linux Babe now ...
Photo Editing By: Madpanic Attack
Lastly, Im just hopeful that my business picks up and that my client base will really broaden out. I think this is a career path Id like to pursue right now and I seem pretty damn good at it. I work tonight and Ill see how I do. If I do well then Im on my way to making $75 an hour ... No, that is not a misprint and Yes, I did meant $75.00 USD per hour with a 2 hour minimum. *crosses fingers*Current Mood: chipper
chipper30 April 2009 @ 01:05 am
29 April 2009 @ 03:24 pm
So, I woke up at 2:50 pm to a really weird dream. Why the hell would her name be Ada? Why the hell would I have to tell Andy? Why the hell was my dad happy with me? Im so confused on what to think about this dream or how to interpret it ...
I moved back in with my parents and my mom wasnt happy with me and my dad was really happy with me (which thats odd in its self) and I stayed at my friends brothers house (Andy) a lot in my own room I had there. Then I moved out and didnt tell Andy and moved somewhere else. I went to visit my parents and stay the night cause I was upset I kept thinking about Red randomly but I wouldnt call him. I wouldnt mention him. I wouldnt text Red back. I was hanging around my friend, Toni, and I was getting bigger and she was helping me a lot. I was lost, unhappy and scared but I felt like everything was going to be ok. Then I was visiting my parents and I was BIG. My mom knew it was a matter of time before I had the baby. I was pacing around in my room and I was not happy. I was depressed and I should of been happy. I ended up feeling the baby move around so I laid down to feel it more and ended up giving birth to her. I walked out to take the baby to the hospital and show my mom. My dad was happy and then walked outside to work on something mechanical and my mom just looked at it and that was it. I went to the hospital and my friend Toni picked me up. The baby's name was Ada and she was fat. pale and blonde. My friend, Toni, told me to call and tell her brother and all I thought about was Red. We were driving from her moms house to take her kids to meet their dad and I had my phone in my hand and I thought about Red and put it down.
I decided to not tell Andy or Red. Then I woke up ...
I moved back in with my parents and my mom wasnt happy with me and my dad was really happy with me (which thats odd in its self) and I stayed at my friends brothers house (Andy) a lot in my own room I had there. Then I moved out and didnt tell Andy and moved somewhere else. I went to visit my parents and stay the night cause I was upset I kept thinking about Red randomly but I wouldnt call him. I wouldnt mention him. I wouldnt text Red back. I was hanging around my friend, Toni, and I was getting bigger and she was helping me a lot. I was lost, unhappy and scared but I felt like everything was going to be ok. Then I was visiting my parents and I was BIG. My mom knew it was a matter of time before I had the baby. I was pacing around in my room and I was not happy. I was depressed and I should of been happy. I ended up feeling the baby move around so I laid down to feel it more and ended up giving birth to her. I walked out to take the baby to the hospital and show my mom. My dad was happy and then walked outside to work on something mechanical and my mom just looked at it and that was it. I went to the hospital and my friend Toni picked me up. The baby's name was Ada and she was fat. pale and blonde. My friend, Toni, told me to call and tell her brother and all I thought about was Red. We were driving from her moms house to take her kids to meet their dad and I had my phone in my hand and I thought about Red and put it down.
I decided to not tell Andy or Red. Then I woke up ...
Current Mood: 
confused
confused27 April 2009 @ 10:55 pm
Picture by: msmurder_jp April 26, 2009
Ive been told I need to fill out a police report ...
But I keep feeling like it was all my fault ...
I was the one who put it in my mouth ...
Does it really matter that I didnt know what it was?
Its all a bit daunting to think I was that word ...
Dont touch me ...
Dont look at me ...
Im
Current Mood: 
depressed
depressed26 April 2009 @ 05:30 am
What if you were friends with someone in High School, or college, or work. You meet up after years of not seeing each other and you both reveal you have a crush on one another ... you both decide to do some recreational drugs. The person you are with asks if you want a specific drug with mild side effect and a mild high and you agree. Instead, they give you a different drug with major side effects like seroquel, oxycontin or ex. Once you are feeling the full effects and having a good time the person takes all your clothes off and has sex with you. The next morning you have a vague recollection of the activity.
Even if you wanted to have sex with that person, should the person of had sex with you knowing that you werent on the drug that they said you were?
Would you eventually have a negative reaction about it?
Lets say you were the other person. Would you give them what you asked them they wanted or a different drug?
Even if you knew they wanted to have sex with you before would you still give the person a different drug or if you knew you gave them the wrong one by mistake would you still fuck them?
In the end does it really matter?
Even if you wanted to have sex with that person, should the person of had sex with you knowing that you werent on the drug that they said you were?
Would you eventually have a negative reaction about it?
Lets say you were the other person. Would you give them what you asked them they wanted or a different drug?
Even if you knew they wanted to have sex with you before would you still give the person a different drug or if you knew you gave them the wrong one by mistake would you still fuck them?
In the end does it really matter?
What if the person you fucked was fine about it and now kind of feels like it was fucked up?
Do they even have the right to feel that way cause they wanted to fuck you regardless?
Maybe thats not why the person was drugged. Maybe you realized you gave them the wrong thing by mistake ... Is it easy to mix one pill up with another?
Do they even have the right to feel that way cause they wanted to fuck you regardless?
Maybe thats not why the person was drugged. Maybe you realized you gave them the wrong thing by mistake ... Is it easy to mix one pill up with another?
Current Mood: 
contemplative
contemplative25 April 2009 @ 02:15 am
So, I came online to post to my LJ, while Red quietly sleeps, on a totally unrelated subject. *sigh* I sign on and see that a little box that asks me if I want to restore the last post I was writing on Sunday morning that I never finished. Of course, I was curious to see what it was so I clicked yes ...
Thats where it stops abruptly. I dont know why I went into that little schpiel or where I was really going with it ... Now that he was here, I cant help but smile. Ive missed him. Tonight has been difficult ... We did a lot of talking. Things arent perfect but they never were and thats comfortable to me ... right now I just feel kind of thankful for what I do have as fucked up as it is ...
Well, I dont know what I was originally going to post about and Im getting rather sleepy so Im going to crawl into bed and actually sleep for a change ...
Oh, schnap!!! I remember ... Thanks![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
pentane . I will have a long, hard, drawn out conversation with my beer tomorrow and see how much it will forgive me LOL ... And taurusbombshell , after my conversation with my beer Im going to introduce it to my xbox and try to initiate a threesome. If it doesnt happen Ill still be alright because at least the beer will still let me give it oral LOL.
Ok, so my jokes are lame.jeffsworld ... where the hell have you been? I miss chatting it up with you, man!
Ive had about 2 hours worth of sleep ... thats two hours less than last night and Im beginning to feel it ...
I wish I could go to sleep but I must clean my apartment to my high standards before Red arrives. Ugh, thats a complicated situation in itself ...
Theres a natural order to things when it comes to relationships ... but Red and I hold our middle fingers high to the system and seem to do things our way regardless of what we need or how its supposed to be ... Hes such an asshole and I hate him ... I really hate him. It works out because he hates me too ....
Anyways, to make a long story short, he and I are not together ... we havent been for a while but yet he still tells me he
I wish I could go to sleep but I must clean my apartment to my high standards before Red arrives. Ugh, thats a complicated situation in itself ...
Theres a natural order to things when it comes to relationships ... but Red and I hold our middle fingers high to the system and seem to do things our way regardless of what we need or how its supposed to be ... Hes such an asshole and I hate him ... I really hate him. It works out because he hates me too ....
Anyways, to make a long story short, he and I are not together ... we havent been for a while but yet he still tells me he
Thats where it stops abruptly. I dont know why I went into that little schpiel or where I was really going with it ... Now that he was here, I cant help but smile. Ive missed him. Tonight has been difficult ... We did a lot of talking. Things arent perfect but they never were and thats comfortable to me ... right now I just feel kind of thankful for what I do have as fucked up as it is ...
Well, I dont know what I was originally going to post about and Im getting rather sleepy so Im going to crawl into bed and actually sleep for a change ...
Oh, schnap!!! I remember ... Thanks
pentane . I will have a long, hard, drawn out conversation with my beer tomorrow and see how much it will forgive me LOL ... And taurusbombshell , after my conversation with my beer Im going to introduce it to my xbox and try to initiate a threesome. If it doesnt happen Ill still be alright because at least the beer will still let me give it oral LOL.Ok, so my jokes are lame.
jeffsworld ... where the hell have you been? I miss chatting it up with you, man!Current Mood: contemplative
contemplative19 April 2009 @ 09:48 am
I love my XBOX 360 ...
But Im beginning to feel like Im cheating on my beer with it ...
Think the beer will be angry?
But Im beginning to feel like Im cheating on my beer with it ...
Think the beer will be angry?
Current Mood: 
loved
loved17 April 2009 @ 03:27 pm
Im getting a brand new xbox 360 for $20 ...
This is proof that God does exist and that he does NOT hate me ... LOL.
And my 6 year old godson and I are going to stay up all night shooting nazi's on Call of Duty ...
This is proof that God does exist and that he does NOT hate me ... LOL.
And my 6 year old godson and I are going to stay up all night shooting nazi's on Call of Duty ...
Current Mood: ecstatic
ecstatic14 April 2009 @ 03:55 pm
I hate spring ...
Spring is an indication that soon, everything will be hot again and after having experienced sun poisoning (and still experiencing it) this makes everything a bit harder on me. I have come to the realization that now, I am more susceptible to burning since the sun poisoning. Not only will I burn like a normal person I can very easily receive 2nd degree burns ... AGAIN this year.
Im kind of depressed because now my arms are tan ... damnit! I kind of liked the fair skinned maiden thing I had going on. Im ready to *bounce* .... *giggle*
Other than that, spring is a rebirth, a renewal, a grand new beginning to the world. And a friend asked me why everyone is so depressed ... I simply responded to him,
"While the world starts over, we, the loveless and self imprisoned, realize its just a brighter world to have dismal lives in" ...
Im more positive than that but he seemed dumb founded and satisfied with that answer so I left it at that ...
For now, I cant wait for fall ... when everything is dead and dying again.
Spring is an indication that soon, everything will be hot again and after having experienced sun poisoning (and still experiencing it) this makes everything a bit harder on me. I have come to the realization that now, I am more susceptible to burning since the sun poisoning. Not only will I burn like a normal person I can very easily receive 2nd degree burns ... AGAIN this year.
Im kind of depressed because now my arms are tan ... damnit! I kind of liked the fair skinned maiden thing I had going on. Im ready to *bounce* .... *giggle*
Other than that, spring is a rebirth, a renewal, a grand new beginning to the world. And a friend asked me why everyone is so depressed ... I simply responded to him,
"While the world starts over, we, the loveless and self imprisoned, realize its just a brighter world to have dismal lives in" ...
Im more positive than that but he seemed dumb founded and satisfied with that answer so I left it at that ...
For now, I cant wait for fall ... when everything is dead and dying again.
Current Mood: melancholy
melancholy09 April 2009 @ 03:01 pm
I go by my "other name" ... Its Beck and it fits me. Its formed itself into a complete new identity.
Current Mood: bored
bored08 April 2009 @ 06:07 pm
I want to put my Christmas tree up ...
No ornaments, no star ...
Just up ...
I want to get some boxes ...
Lots of plain boxes ...
Like from stores and stuff ...
I want to faint, pass out even ...
And no one find me or even look ...
Just only to be truly alone ...
I want to scream uninhibited...
Out loud ...
Even if only to feel joy or anguish ...
I want to not have to prove to you that Im worth it, that you should believe in me as much as I believe in myself. And maybe the only reason that I hate you so much is because you dont like me as much as I dont love you but yet we keep going around in circles because you know Im the one and I know that youre not. I feel some sort of obligation not to leave you and you wont let me go.
Funny how our relationship is not death ... just misplaced.
No ornaments, no star ...
Just up ...
I want to get some boxes ...
Lots of plain boxes ...
Like from stores and stuff ...
I want to faint, pass out even ...
And no one find me or even look ...
Just only to be truly alone ...
I want to scream uninhibited...
Out loud ...
Even if only to feel joy or anguish ...
I want to not have to prove to you that Im worth it, that you should believe in me as much as I believe in myself. And maybe the only reason that I hate you so much is because you dont like me as much as I dont love you but yet we keep going around in circles because you know Im the one and I know that youre not. I feel some sort of obligation not to leave you and you wont let me go.
Funny how our relationship is not death ... just misplaced.
Current Mood: 
frustrated
frustrated04 September 2007 @ 11:20 am
I have had this nervous pit in my stomach since before Wednesday.
I dont know how to get rid of it. I wonder if its nerves or if Im sick.
Either is a good possibility.
I am content with my life at the moment. Which is hilarious because its falling apart. I feel more free than I do anything else.
Im not worried about a job.
Im not worried about having internet.
Im not worried about following a bunch of childish rules.
Im not worried about having a car.
Im not worried about anything.
I feel FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This bird ... has flown!
I dont know how to get rid of it. I wonder if its nerves or if Im sick.
Either is a good possibility.
I am content with my life at the moment. Which is hilarious because its falling apart. I feel more free than I do anything else.
Im not worried about a job.
Im not worried about having internet.
Im not worried about following a bunch of childish rules.
Im not worried about having a car.
Im not worried about anything.
I feel FREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This bird ... has flown!
Current Mood: 
giddy
giddy27 August 2007 @ 01:53 pm
21 August 2007 @ 08:03 pm
How bad of a daughter/person am I really.
My parents have dropped by to see me several times and I pretend Im not home. I hold the dog so hes quiet and I sit in the dark till they drive away. I know that they know Im there but I just dont want to see them. My parents and I get along perfect ... I just dont want to see anyone from outside my apartment. Think Im going to go to hell for dodging my folks?
PS Im counting down to one of the not so great days of the year ... 8 to go. Weeee *sarcasm*
Im not depressed, Im not angry, Im not content. Im blase and Ive accepted it.
oh yeah, Congrats Coley.
My parents have dropped by to see me several times and I pretend Im not home. I hold the dog so hes quiet and I sit in the dark till they drive away. I know that they know Im there but I just dont want to see them. My parents and I get along perfect ... I just dont want to see anyone from outside my apartment. Think Im going to go to hell for dodging my folks?
PS Im counting down to one of the not so great days of the year ... 8 to go. Weeee *sarcasm*
Im not depressed, Im not angry, Im not content. Im blase and Ive accepted it.
oh yeah, Congrats Coley.
Current Mood: cynical
cynical26 July 2007 @ 12:15 pm
As for right now I am taking the litte vacation from the internet, my roommate and my beloved dog. Im staying at my mothers and soaking up all that satellite television has to offer LOL. Maybe there might be a little something in the air.
By the way, Im an aunt again! My sister just gave birth to her first baby, Mason Dale on July 18, 2007 at 3:14 pm. He was 8 lbs 10 oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He is the most beautiful baby boy ever.
Current Mood: excited
excited20 July 2007 @ 12:08 am
Not funny, who slipped the nervous breakdown pill into my coffee this morning?
Current Mood: confused
confused20 July 2007 @ 12:00 am
I really have no right to complain about my life. All the things that are Ive caused in one way or another and I need to get things together. Get organized and have a plan.
I must be joyous because my nephew was born Wednesday morning. Mason Dale Heffington.
I hate facebook. I hate it now having seen everyone is a senior in college. blah.
I must be joyous because my nephew was born Wednesday morning. Mason Dale Heffington.
I hate facebook. I hate it now having seen everyone is a senior in college. blah.
Current Mood: 
blah
blah11 July 2007 @ 11:39 am
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